Soul Candy
by tOKYOsKApARADISEoRCHESTRA
Summary: Bleach'd crackness. Chapter 11: One sided HisagiKira on Izuru's part.
1. Chicken Soup for the Shinigami's Soul

Chapter One - Chicken Soup for the Shinigami's Soul  
Disclaimer - Yeah, right.  
Warnings - OOC, AU? AT I guess, PWP, Shonen-ai (a little)...well its crack. You can't really expect much sanity here. 

A/N: The title Soul Candy really has nothing to do with ModSouls or anything. It's just, as Rukia said, "cute". Also, suffixes will be kept cuz they go with the names, and "taichou" (captain) or "fukutaichou" (vice-captain/lieutenant, title directly below captain) will be kept if it comes with the name as well.

* * *

_" He smiled down at the younger woman in his arms, ' S'alright Nanao-chan.'_

_'Oh my,' she blushed, 'Thank you, Gin'_

_'mm not a problem an'thin' for ya,' he replied, brushing back a strand of her hair. 'Beautiful'_

_'Yes, it's not often we get to watch the sunset; we're so busy...'_

_'s'not what I mean' - "_

Kira choked. I-ichimaru taichou - his captain, wrote f-_fanfiction_? His left eye twitched a little. And not just...fanfiction, but cheesy, sappy, romance? Complete with the flowers and sparkles and all. He thought if anyone, _anyone_, were to spout this kind of sap... maybe Hinamori-san, with her shoujo mangas and such, it wouldn't be that much of a surprise.

But Ichimaru Gin? That...that _sadist_? This must be some kind of horrible mistake. No, it must be some kind of prank...it was the internet after all, someone else must've made this website under his captain's name.

He squinted at the screen suspiciously - GinxNanao? Yes, it was most definitely not written by his captain. What with all the time Ichimaru Taichou spends with Aizen Taichou, all the time Ichimaru Taichouspends flirting withKuchiki Taichou, all the times Ichimaru Taichou tied up Zaraki Taichou and dragged him off to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what...all the times _he'd _been molested by Ichimaru Taichou...

_**Gin x Nanao?**_

He shuddered. Whoever this freak was, it definetely wasn't Ichimaru Taichou.

Izuru scrolled around, trying to find some sort of author or contact page. "Chicken Soup for the Body-less Soul"? Well, souls didn't really need food...unless they had spiritual power, he supposed. The sparkly things following his cursor were amusing to watch as he made it spin in rapid circles. He was having fun with the sparkly site when his eyes fell upon a link containing his name. What's this?

Click.

_" 'Ah! No, Renji, not here...'_

_'Shh, Izuru, you're so cute,' he murmured, caressing the blonde's neck with his tongue._

_'R-renji!' he gasped, writhing from the red-head's hands. "_

Kira sprayed his tea all over the monitor screen. R-Renji x Izuru?

Well, that certainly did sound like Ichimaru Taichou...

Er, no, that wasn't the point. The point was, was...what was his point? He was sitting in front of his computer drinking tea and reading...er...reading... porn. NO, NOT PORN! He was investigating the website in search of the maker's identity in order to clear his captain's name.

Oh, there was a guestbook. The author was sure to have some friends there dropping his or her name...

Kira read the first entry.

"Name: Peachez 'n' creme  
Email: hmvc5 (AT) seireitei DOT com  
Message: LOLERZ! I LUFFS UR FIC SOO MCH! ESP DAT 1 WITH SHUU-CHAN AND BYAKUYA! UPDATE SOON!"

He felt a migraine coming up.

What to do? Tell Ichimaru Taichou? Or keep it from him in case he gets angry? Hm...would he get angry? Probably not, then again Izuru couldn't really tell. If he told him...well, he'd probably like all the yaoi ones there, maybe he'd have fun with it. But...the Gin x Nanao? And the Gin x Shunsui? The Mayuri x Gin? Ugh, Kira was glad he didn't click on that. What was NC-17 anyway? Everyone in Seireitei was well over a hundred years in age...so it couldn't mean you had to be eighteen, did it? How old was Kusajishi Fukutaichou? Kira decided to step out and maybe look for his captain to decide whether he should tell him, or refill his tea.

"Hey, whatcha lookin' at, Izuru?"

"HEHHH?" Kira jumped. "I-Ichimaru Taichou? When did you get here?"

"Ara, don' tell me ya couldn' even sense yer own captain"

He was so obsessed with his thoughts he hadn't even realized his captain had been standing there, smiling down at his nervousness. How long had he been there?

"Oh? What're ya readin'?" he leaned over the blonde's shoulder to squint at the window. He paused, then turned back to look at his subordinate with a smile of actual humor. "Heh, I di'n know you were inta this stuff, Izuru."

"Huh?" Kira snapped his head back towards to screen. The Renji x Izuru story had been left open. What kind of idiot makes all of his links open in a new window? Better yet, what kind of idiot **leaves something so embarrasing open**? "N-no! I mean, uh I didn't write this! _You _did! NO! I meant, it _says _you did, see, here! But I know you didn't, the pairings are too weird, NO! I mean, I didn't read them, but I, uh... Well I read a little of some of them-"

"Th' one with you and Abarai Fukutaichou, I see"

"NO! I mean, I did, but I only clicked on it because it had my name, it's probably not about me but some other Kira Izuru eheheh... I didn't know what NC-17 was, I swear!"

"I think ya need some fresh air"

"Ha! What a great idea, thank you, I'll be going now," he rushed out the door.

He needed more tea. Hm, was that Renji? He paused to greet him. Wait...Renji...hallway... NO, BAD IMAGES!

"Hey," Renji greeted as they passed in the halls.

"R-renji! Ah, ahaha...hahaha I, um. I have to go!" he stuttered before quickly backing up.

One look at the red-head's slightly open, pink, flowered yukata, and he decided to just run for it. And run he did, completely unaware of Hinamori, almost knocking her down.

"Eh, what's wrong with him?" Renji turned to Hinamori, confused.

"Ara, he musta r'member'd his fantasies and couldn' stand th' fact o' seein' ya so soon after," Gin appeared out of nowhere, wearing his usual smile.

"EEEK"

"Ichimaru Taichou! I didn't see you there! Uh...fantasies?"

The lilac-haired captain leaned over to whisper a few examples to him.

'Fanservice!' the other vice-captain bystander thought, and wished she had a camera.

"H-HUH?"

Indeed, the pen was mightier than the sword.

* * *

A/N: Kira needs his tea drugs to live. Gin is writing fanfiction... Mayuri x Anyone is so wrong. Silly Gin, he should've made them GinKira fics. 

Oh, and did anyone get the email abbreviation?

Constructive crit will be greatly appreciated; will update soon unless crack is unwanted here? I've never written in the Bleach section so I wouldn't know.


	2. Height Advantage

Soul Candy: 

Chapter - Height Advantage  
Disclaimer - If Bleach was owned by some 15 year old girl, no one would want to watch/read it _cough _not after what I'd do to it.  
Warnings - OCC, AU from here on and forever. I'm gonna stop putting this (as I feel it is useless and obvious :D; ) unless it contains some possibly offensive material...Rukia celebrating Christmas isn't religiously offensive is it?

A/N: Late White Day's fic, I forgot to upload it xX;

* * *

"Ne, nii-sama, haven't you prepared anything?"

Kuchiki Byakuya lifted his eyes from his work and glanced at his younger sister beaming in front of him and lifted an eyebrow.

"Prepared? Whatever for?"

She let out an exaggerated gasp as if he'd just announced his resignation of his rank to pursue his dream as a singer, "You mean you don't know what today IS?"

He glanced at the calendar lying on the top left corner of his desk and replied, "Mar-"

"NO! IT'S WHITE DAY!" she slammed her hand down on his desk, causing papers to flutter everywhere. Immediately, she turned around a gave an elaborate twirl, leaving glitter and flowers scattered on his office floor. "Ah, the day that every young girl waits for!"

A few months ago, she claimed it was Christmas...

"In return for the handmade chocolate they've pour blood and sweat into-

Blood and sweat went into those horribly burnt things left on his desk every February? No wonder they tasted so bad...

"-tears!"

Hmm, he knew chocolate wasn't supposed to be salty.

"How could you neglect this day? Nii-sama!"

He sighed and tried his best to ignore the mess of an office he now had. Inhale, exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inha-

"You're supposed to make them presents in return! Or buying them is sufficient as well!"

Were the conffetti pieces and sparkles ever going to run out?

"Ah! There's presents for accepting thier chocolates, and a gift for nicely refusing too!"

Sparkles...flower petals...Senbonzakura. His hand twitched for his zanpakutou.

"I remember that huge pile of chocolate you got last month ufufufu aren't you going to buy anything? Nii-sama?"

Calm down. Don't kill her. She's Hisana's last blood relative...must protect...sister.

"Ne, ne nii-sama! Would you like me to go shopping with you?"

I promised.

"I know where to get the cutest Chappy chocolates! Let's go!"

Inhale. Exhale.

"C'mon! Nii-sama, you HAVE TO! It's the rule of White Day!"

Rule?

Ah, it was...inevitable then. He would have to go through this...this..tradition.

"I suppose this cannot be helped then," he sighed again and stood.

"YAY! LET'S GO!"

"It's alright, I will organize the preparations myself."

"Ehhhh? Aw, fine. they're your gifts," Rukia sniffled dramatically into a lacy handkerchief and then skipped happily out the door singing some absurd, made-up song about Chappy chocolate, painfully out of tune.

He was going to murder his vice-captain later for giving her so much sugar.

The Sixth Division Captain furrowed his brows, trying to remember how many of the chocolates he hadn't managed to refuse last month... After completing his list, he ventured in search of a store selling giftables for this strange holiday.

* * *

Unbelievable.

Kuchiki Byakuya. The Kuchiki Byakuya. Standing outside the 11th division's door, asking for a meeting with their midget vice-captain.

The door slammed open, and he was met with their third chair. The bald one; what was his name again? Ugh, it didn't matter anymore.

"Huh? Kuchiki Taichou? What're you doin' here? Kusajishi Fukutaichou? Just a minute, I'll go get her," he said, glancing down at the package in the older man's hands before running off.

For the life of Kuchiki Byakuya, he could not realize why this situation was so painfully uncomfortable. He was merely standing outside the doorstep of the person whom he owes a gift in return.

"Uwa! The taichou with the funny bone things on his head!"

Didn't anyone teach this child to respect her elders? Ah, nevermind, her - guardian was that Zaraki Kenpachi.

"CANDY! You brought me candy? YAY, THANKIES!"

"Hm," he prepared to flash-step back to his office as quickly as possible.

"Byebye Byachan!"

Twitch.

Yachiru beamed and opened the box of candy with glee. She knew that redistributing the burnt chocolate that no one in the 11th division wanted to eat had been the best idea ever. Her speed and sixe allowed her to get past the fangirl crowds and directly into offices. No officer's desk was safe from the short vice-captain.


	3. Of Fish and Lawsuits

**Of Fish and Lawsuits**

Warnings: Hanatarou and Rukia usings caps lock

* * *

"RUKIA-SANNNNNNNN!" the short shinigami shouted as he broke through three paper walls, flailing about. 

"HANATAROU!" the other short shinigami jumped. "WHAT HAS HAPPENED?" she exclaimed dramatically as everyone else in the room covered their ears.

"T-THE GOLDFISH! IT **DROWNED**!" he sobbed pitifully.

"Oi, shut the hell up you two"

"NO! SAY IT ISN'T SO! HOW COULD THE GOLDFISH DROWN?"

"IT-IT DROWNED!" he managed to choke out through the sobs.

"What the hell, goldfish can't drown, you morons," Renji cut through.

"SHUT UP!" Rukia replied with a kick to the forehead before continuing the dramatics. "Hanatarou! Please explain the details!"

"Stop yelling, dammit," a nameless, well, unimportantly named, shinigami replied.

"Y-yes! Rukia-san! Well, I was going in to feed the goldfish, a-and so I got out the fish food and sprinkled a tablespoon, just like the instructions said-"

"Of course it's goin' t' die if you feed it that much, what's wrong with you two?"

"SHUT UP! STOP INTERRUPTING HIM! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT A DELICATE SITUATION THIS IS FOR US?" Rukia replied with yet another kick.

"OW- WHAT? YOU WANNA FIGHT?"

"Sniffle. Sob. Continue on! Hanatarou!"

"Ah! Yessir- uh ma'am! And, uh, so, I was feeding it! then I realized that- that it was GONE! I COULDN'T SEE THE FISH!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? OH GOOD HEAVENS, IT RAN AWAY? I thought you said it drowned!"

"Ah, let me finish, please! I found the fish, after! He was under all the fish food!"

"Che, whoever heard of fish drowning under the damn fish food?"

"Oh! What a tragedy! Poor Luther the 5th! WE MUST PREPARE A FUNERAL FOR HIM! Ah, yes! Continue, Hanatarou!"

"Yes! And he was," he choked, "He was DROWNING UNDER ALL OF THE FOOD!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"_NO!"_ she wailed.

"_YES!"_

"**THAT'S IT!**"

"_**YES!**_ -huh?" he stopped.

"You dumbasses..."

"We're suing Urahara! Damn fraud merchant..."

"Huh? What does he have to do with this, Rukia-san?"

"He sold me the stupid fish food! And the obese goldfish! This is all his fault!" she decided.

"Huh? Uh, oh yeah! It is!" he agreed.

"Renji! Find me a lawyer!"

"Huh?"

Somewhere in the little city of Karakura, Urahara Kisuke sneezed.

* * *

A/N :D Feedback is always nice, I'd like to know which characters people likereading aboutmost(even though I'd end up butchering their characteristics, most likely) 


	4. Chances

**Chances**

* * *

He slammed his palm against his head. Always missing the chances. Did you really expect her to wait for you? Did you expect her to wait all those years, without you ever responding?

First it was that Kuchiki Byakuya, the noble, her adoptive brother, his captain. Then that human, that ryoka, Kurosaki Ichigo.

-

_Renji stood by Rukia on the cliff, looking over out at the sunset, mourning for the loss of their friends._

_"Rukia, I..." he drifted off. They couldn't stay here anymore. There wasn't anything for them here, they had nothing. _

"Renji?"

_"Let's become...comedians," he finally got out._

_"HUHH?" Rukia turned, both confused and surprised._

_"Well, uh, a wandering comedian duo? W-was it a bad idea?" he stutted, suddenly regretting it and feeling strangely embarrased. Was it really that bad an idea? He hadthought they were pretty funny. At times and stuff. He'd laugh. She'd laugh.People'dlaugh, wouldn't they? And then they'd both probably get paid for it._

_"You're...kidding, right?"_

_Yeah, it was a bad idea._

_"Uh, haha! Yeah, of course! Ha, that was such a bad joke, we shouldn't ever even attempt comedy. Hahaha," he finished lamely. Yeah, no way they could be comedians._

_"...right."_

_"Heh, um. Well, anyways, there isn't much for us here. We might as well leave," he concluded seriously._

_"And go where?"_

_"Er," he hadn't thought that far yet. His wandering comedian idea would've taken them anywhere and everywhere, hence the "wandering", ya know?_

_"How 'bout...running a takoyaki stand? We could be wandering takoyaki vendors!" he blurted, light-bulb over his head and all._

_"Renji, we live in Rukongai, hardly anyone here needs to eat. And where the hell are you gonna find octopus?"_

_Oh, yeah. He hadn't thought of that. What other wandering jobs were there? He sure as hell wasn't just going to sit here the rest of his existance._

_Rukia sighed and suggested, "Renji, let's become shinigami."_

_"Huh?" Shinigami?_

_"I heard the pay isn't bad, and they'd provide food, housing."_

_"Hn," actually, that wasn't a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all! Why hadn't he thought of it?_

_"That is, of course, if we pass the exams," she continued._

_Damn, there was always a condition._

_"But I'm sure we'd do ok, and we both have spiritual energy, it's a fitting job."_

_"Ok"_

_"Hm?"_

_"Let's become shinigami," he decided._

_-_

They'd always been together. In Rukongai, the academy. Then what? She got adopted. He couldn't stop her. She went to the human world, lost her powers. He couldn't save her. She got locked up in the Shrine of Pentinence. He couldn't do a thing. He couldn't defeat that ryoka. He couldn't defeat his captain.

He sighed as he continued to go through 7th street of Karakura while Ichigo checked the mall, looking for her missing Chappy backpack. If he couldn't do at least this, he'd never be able to live with himself.

* * *

A/N: Oh noes! I just realized I've come this far and I have nothing on the main character hmm


	5. I'm not as think as you drunk I am

**I'm not as think as you drunk I am**

Warnings: More caps lock

* * *

Hitsugaya Toushirou sighed in frustration as he heard Matsumoto stumble in the office, drunk again.

"What's the occaision this time?" he asked, regretting it as soon as he did.

"EHH? We're celebrating!" she replied giddily.

"Celebrating what?" knowing her, it'd probably be some sort of drunken made-up holiday.

"Uhhh, I'll get back to you on that! Teeheehee" she giggled, before calling out the door "NE! SHUUHEI, WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING AGAIN?"

"UHHH WHAT?"

"I _SAID_, WHAT'RE WE _CELEBRATING_?"

"I HEARD YA, BUT I DIDN' GET THE QUESTIO-"

"**WHAT'RE WE CELEBRATING?**"

"I MEAN I DON' KNOW WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING?"

"**_SHUT UP!_**" the 10th division captain yelled, slamming his hands on the desk. Not only was Matsumoto drunk and incapable of helping him with the paperwork, but she was distracting him for doing the paperwork as well.

"WHADDYA _MEAN_YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING? WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO GET DRUNK?"

"WASN'T IT YOURS?"

Now, WHY were they still yelling?

"HUH? REALLY? WASN'T IT KIRA'S? YEAH, ASK KIRA WHY WE'RE DRUNK!"

"HE'S OUT COLD!"

**WERE THEY DEAF?**

"**MATSUMOTO!** AS YOUR CAPTAIN, I DEMAND YOU TO **SOBER UP AND HELP WITH THE PAPERWORK!**"

"Aw, Taichou, no needa be so loud, you're gonna bust someone's eardrums," she said, turning around and covering her ears.

"And I'm not as think as you drunk I am," she finished, collapsing into a fit of giggles.

-

Kira woke up a few hours later with a throbbing hangover. That was the last time they were going to celebrate his one-quarter birthday.

* * *

A/N: Actually, I don't know when Kira's birthday is, sadly. So I don't know his half or one quarter-eth birthday either. Oh, and if you've noticed chapter two is missing becauseI decided to serialize it.


	6. Strawberry Orange Smoothie

**Strawberry Orange Smoothies**

**Warnings:** I can't read japanese squiggles (characters) at all. Thus, romanization. And uh, Orihime's being a yaoi fangirl if you squint I guess.

* * *

Orihime looked from Ichigo's bright orange hair color, to Renji's strawberry red. And back.

Ichigo, at first thought, would have his name mistaken as strawberry.

She wrote down Renji's first name romanized next to Ichigo's.

Ichigo Renji

They were both shinigami, or at least, Kurosaki-kun was part shinigami.

Ichigorenji

They were arguing again.

Chizuru came in the classroom and stood over her.

"Whatcha doing, 'Hime-chan?" she questioned, peering over before squealing with delight, "Ooh! You like this stuff too?" she rambled, eyes starry. "But you know, 'Hime, order matters!"

Order?

Renjichigo

She crossed it out.

Orenjichigo?

Oranges.

She glanced towards Kurosaki-kun.

Strawberries.

Orange Strawberries.

Strawberry-orange, she decided.

A fruit smoothie sounded really nice right now.

* * *

A/N: Which is better? Crack pairings or paring-less crack?


	7. Timing

**Timing**

* * *

Ichigo yawned. If it wasn't for those damn hollows that were showing up all week, he would've finished his report by now. Then again, hollows didn't take very long to take care of. Where did all of his time go?

He yawned again.

He wasn't really the type to procrastinate or anything, and usually finished his homework and studied sufficiently and got good grades. With his naturally retarded hair, teachers expected him to be a delinquent as well, so he kind of needed this.

_Yawn._

Damn, he just realized, he never finished doing the research. He couldn't finish the report without first finishing his research.

Yawn. What was this, hiccups or something? Even tired people shouldn't be yawning this much.

"Ne! Ichigo! Look at this!" Rukia exclaimed, holding up some fashion magazine she had gotten from who knows where.

Ah, that was it. All the make-up work was really piling up.

"Isn't it cute?" she squealed, twirling around.

Seriously, why can't hollows show up at a reasonable time?

"And this too! Ah, Chizuru-san called it, uh what was it...Gothic Lolita! And cosplay! And-"

Didn't anyone ever consider his feelings? His _schedule?_

"Dum dee dum," she sang, doodling more of her bunny/bear/panda/whale/pig characters. No one could really tell what those strange smiling things were. They couldn't be...self portraits, could they? He decided not to ask.

Did hollows plan when they wanted to wreak havoc on random innocent people? Or was it on a whim? Really, aren't monsters supposed to show up when the sun goes down or something stupid like that? Not during school?

"Hey," she frowned.

Well, at least they weren't appearing during three in the morning or so. Ah! He had forgotten his report.

"Which one do you like better? Ichigo? Ichigooo?"

"Ah, forget it!"

* * *

A/N: Hmm, do I make Rukia too ditzy?


	8. BBF

**BBF**

Warnings: Spoilers for SS arc, post SS arc.

* * *

"Ahem," he cleared his throat, knocking the table for emphasis, "Th' second meeting of our BFF - the Bleach Bishounen Fanclub - now commences!"

"Yeah!" Momo-chan exclaimed, jumping up and knocking her seat over.

"E- eh, why exactly am I here...as well?" Hanatarou stuttered nervously. Gin had kidnapped him and dragged him into the dark, leaky basement along because- well, because they only had two members and the shorty just happened to be there. And that their last meeting consisted of Momo-chan and himself sitting there and fangirl/boy-ing over papparazzi shots.

Gin, however, was _not_about to give such a patheticly boring excuse. He smirked, "Well, it's 'cause we all know yer a closet pervert."

"I- HEHH? Wh-what do you mean by that?" he stammered, choking.

Gin's smile stretched. He reached over to his laptop and turned on his slideshow.

"Exhibition number one!" A picture of Hanatarou drooling on Ganjyu after treating his wounds all night.

"Exhibition two!" It changed to Ichigo holding onto Hanatarou.

"Exhibition three!" A picture of Hanatarou's hands tied up.

"Exhibition four!" A photoshopped image of Renji carrying Rukia, with Hanatarou in her place.

"W-wait! Those aren't what they look like! A-and they should've happened in the future! By the time the photos developed you would've been in Hueco Mundo!"

"Ah, details, details! Exhibition five!" A picture of Shunsui chasing after Nanao with flying hearts and puckered lips. With Hanatarou starring in her place, of course.

"A-and those last two pictures weren't real! That never happened!"

"Uwa! I'm adding this pairing to my list of favorites!" Hinamori squealed, whipping out her notebook.

Hanatarou choked.

"Ahem, need I go on?"

"W-wait, listen to me!"

"I think that we should start by sharin' our favorite pairings with the newbie!"

"Ooh! That's a great idea, Gin!"

Hanatarou looked nervously from the ever smiling Ichimaru-Taichou to the beaming, hyperactive Hinamori-Fukutaichou. What was wrong with them? Pairings? Club? Newbie? Gin? Did she just call Ichimaru-Taichou _Gin_?

"My favorite pairing are ummm ByakuyaRenji! And, and ByakuyaHisagi! ByakuyaIchigo! Byakuya with almost anyone!"

"Ichigo doesn' show up 'til later, Momo-chan," Gin reminded.

"But he's the main character! _Everyone_ knows Ichigo! Right, Hanatarou?"

"Uh, w-well-"

"Nevermind this, it's takin' too long, I'll get straight t' th' point. I'm makin' my own fanfiction site!" Gin put the URL on the projecter, urging them to either copy it or memorize it, and of course, to be sure to sign his guestbook a lot.

"Now, what should my next fic be about?"

"Oh! Oh! Do another Byakuya one!"

"Eh, do I really have to be here?"

"Ohh, don'cha think it'd be interesting if we let him read those?"

"Kyah! Do you think he'd like them? I bet he secretly would!"

"I have, uh, sewage duty..."

A lightbulb suddenly formed above Gin's head, "ByakuyaHanatarou! Oh, it'd be hilarious!"

"Kyah! Do it!"

"AU?"

"Of course! He can replace whenever he met Hisana!"

"Eh, she doesn't show up until later either... and I really shouldn't be here..."

"Oh! And look at what I blackmailed Kira into giving me!" she burst with glee, tossing up about thirty 12 x 10 glossy prints of Hisagi Shuuhei.

"Ehh, where's t-the exit?"

"My, my, since when was Izuru-chan so capable of takin' peeping shots? Halfa these are him at the hot springs."

"YES! AREN'T THEY GORGEOUS?"

Who knew Hinamori Momo was such a fanatic?

"Um, I'm kinda lost here..."

And who knew a dark leaky basement could be so huge?

* * *

A/N: By the way, does anyone know what dialect Gin's "accent" is?


	9. Resignation

**Resignation**

Warnings: Spoilers for post SS arc.

* * *

"Ne, ne! Ken-chan!" the pink ball of glee pulled herself over his shoulder, bending one of his spikes.

"Whaddya want?" he shook his head a little.

"You named me after your friend, right? What was he like?"

"Yachiru? Well uh, he was really cool."

"Really? Like me?" she exclaimed, delighted.

"What part of ya is cool? He was like, well, my role model."

"Ken-chan had a role model? Wha! That's so cool!"

"Yeah, he had awesome hair."

"Ken-chan does too!"

"Damn right. And an eyepatch."

"Ken-chan does too! Wow you're really like your role model! Ken-chan's my role model, but I don't want your hair! Maybe an eyepatch though... hehehe that'd be fun! Was he a shinigami?"

"He was a pirate."

"WOW! A _PIRATE_! That_ is_ cool! Why'd you become a shinigami then?"

"Eh, I forgot. Shoulda been a pirate, huh."

"Yeah!"

"Actually, that's not a bad idea...let's go, Yachiru," he decided, turning around.

"Eh? Go where?"

"We're gonna be pirates!"

"YAY!"

Yamamoto sighed, "At the rate captains are going out, we're going to be down to half the amount in no time..."

"Don't worry, Yama-jii, we'll always be here for you," Shunsui comforted, sipping his sake.

"_Cough._ Ye- _cough._ Eh- _coughcoughcoughhackhackcough-_" Ukitake suddenly had a coughing fit.

"Oi, Jyuu-chan, you alright?"

"Ye- _coughcoughhackchokechoughhic-_"

"I better go get the fourth division, this looks pretty bad," Kyouraku decided, seeing as his friend looked like he was about to cough up his lungs and pass out.

"Oiii, Unohana-Taichou, do you have a momen-" he was cut off by the doors that suddenly slammed open.

"Every single one of you. All around the clock. Does it not matter what time it is? Does no one care for my convinence? That's it!"

"Oi, I was just- It's Jyuushirou! He's puking blood!"

"_Coughcoughhackwheezecoughchokecoughhiccoughwheezehackchokedie-_"

"I've had enough! I can't even get a decent five-minute break around here! I QUIT!"

"Hey wait- Jyuushirou! Jyuushirou? _JYUUSHIROU!_ _NOO, HANG IN THERE!_"

The First Division captain sighed with much grief. He hadn't thought this moment would come so soon.

* * *

A/N: I hate how the anime makes all the characters look so old. I mean, come on. _Yachiru_ looks old.

Oh and, I have a challenge if anyone wants to do it or whatever:

Byakuya x Hanatarou. Oneshot. Any timeline. I dare you :o !


	10. Fairest of Them All

**The Fairest of Them All**

Warnings: Spoilers for Rukia's zanpakutou.

* * *

**She remembered being asked.**

"Ah, Sodeno Shirayuki? It really is a beauty!"

"Yes, the beautiful zanpakutou in Soul Society. An ice type, correct?"

Rukia forced a pleased expression on her face and nodded. Beautiful, my _ass._

Sure, the outward of her zanpakutou's appearance was indeed lovely. The hilt, the guard, the blade - all brilliant white.

Her personality, however, was a completely different story.

**She remembered the first time they communicated.**

Ask your zanpakutou its name.

Ask it? Mentally? Verbally? Well, it was worth a try. She decided to concentrate and hoped for an answer.

_Sodeno Shirayuki._

A clear, but high voice rang through her head. Her eyes startled open. Well, that was a success. Shirayuki, huh?

_Ehh? Don't say my name so commonly._

It was kinda...whiny.

_Whiny? Excuse me? And don't Shirayuki, for goodness sake. Sodeno. Shirayuki. **Hime.**_

...hime?

_Yes, Shirayuki Hime! Call me that if you wish. It's not really my name but I'd answer back, for real!_

She twitched a little. A conceited sword, huh?

_'Scuse me?_

Shirayukihime like the fairy tale? Who's the evil witch queen then?

_Grrrrrrrrrr._

What, there really is one? Ugh, nevermind. I don't want to know.

_Benihime... I'll get you._

Benihime? Nevermind. I heard nothing.

_She always thought she was all that. Pfft, I'm much prettier than her. I mean, for heaven's sake, her hilt is crooked! And her skills are so...so **vulgar! **Have you seen her shield? I mean, come on! Blood mist? Ew?_

Yeah, yeah.

**She remembered the first time they met face-to-face.**

Though Rukia hadn't achieved bankai yet, her zanpakutou would sometimes materilize during her training. Not out of submission, of course, but due to its narcissm.

And good grief, as if her name wasn't enough to give her a big head, she looked the part too.

Long waves of ebony black hair - naturally curled, of course.

Lips red as roses - natural again, of course.

Pristine white kimono with the most delicately silk embroidered sleeves. Hah.

And skin as white as snow.

Oh, and a handheld mirror to admire herself while Rukia worked on her kidou.

**She rememebered Kurosaki Ichigo.**

The sword was supposed to be an extension of her soul, but...

In which was was she _anything at all_ like Sode no Shirayuki?

Oh, wait. They seemed to have the same taste...

_Hee, he's kinda cute._

Shut up, we're looking for the hollow.

_Hey you know, if he just dyed his air black-_

The _hollow_. The _mission_. Remember?

**She remembered visiting Urahara Kisuke's shop.**

"Oh, by the way," she turned back to look at him before she left the store, "I think my zanpakutou hates yours."

"Huh?"

* * *

A/N: Sodeno Shirayumi means "Sleeve of the white snow" and Shirayukihime Princess Snow white. As for Benihime (Crimson Princess), I couldn't think of another female-ish zanpakutou at the moment (though I considered suzumebachi or Yumichika's). I doubt either of the swords have this kind of messed up personality though.

And thanks **Seeker of the Soul**, the only dialect I knew the name of was kansai, haha, but I can't really distinguish it. XD


	11. Confession

**Confession**

**Warnings:** Slash-ish

* * *

Write 'im a letter, he advised.

It'll be easier fer someone like ya t' express yerself, he explained.

Yes, but, _how was he supposed to write the damn thing_? Kira Izuru banged his forehead against his desk, spilling the ink all over his blonde hair. Great, now he looked like that kid from that manga about Go or Shougi or something. Blonde bangs, black hair.

Great, great.

Get lessons from Byakuya, he suggested.

Kuchiki Taichou? Lessons? _Over his dead bod_- soul.

For one thing, he was scared to death of that man. No specific reason, he was just, well, Kira.

Secondly, he suspected that, due to the sixth division captain's love of poetry, it would've ended up being along the lines of:

_Your eyes, the color of dirt,  
Your hair, like a dead crow,  
The checkered pattern on your neck,  
The inappropriate numbers on your face,  
Makes my heart beat_.

...or something.

Yeah, he'd rather confess face-to-face then hand him a collaboration between him and Kuchiki Taichou.

So, back to the letter.

He dipped his pen into the ink well, only to realize that there was nothing left in there because it was all in his hair.

So he sighed and dabbed the pen against the back of his head.

_Dear Hisagi Shuuhei,_

Dear? Was that too informal? Should he use 'To:'? Ok no, there was no way he could do this. No, just no.

_I-_

I _what_? What exactly was he going to say? What was he doing? He couldn't write this letter.

_I just wanted to tell you that..._

What did he want to tell him?_ Did_ he want to tell him? No, not really. He didn't want to tell him anything. Except that he had nice hair. Because he really did- but what was he supposed to say?

_I just wanted to tell you that I think your hair is hot?_

Uh, no.

_I just wanted to tell you that I really, really like you?_

**_Hell no._**

_I just wanted to tell you that...my captain's a bastard for making me do this._

He scratched that out too.

Screw this, he needed to finish his paperwork.

Moving the letter aside and grabbing the pile of papers, he dipped his brush into the ink wel- back of his head and began to fill out reports.

Then he was taking a lunch break.

And washing the ink out.

-

Ichimaru Gin popped into the Third Division office, hoping to find his cute little vice-captain.

He wasn't there.

But his letter was.

-

He choked on his tea and spit it out-

-all over Tousen Taichou.

"I-I'm so sorry! I was just, uh, surprised- that um-"

He sighed and apologized profusely a few more times. It wasn't his fault, really. Anyone would've been surprised recieving such a..._shocking_, letter.

_"Dear Hisagi Shuuhei,_

_I just wanted to tell you that I think your hair is really, really hot._ (Heart)

_And that I really, really like you!_

_Love,  
Kira Izuru_

_PS: Reply soon!_

_PPS: And my captain's such a great person for motivating me to write you this love-letter confession!"_

* * *

A/N: I think I'll be updating a lot slower now 'cuz of exams. And then after exams I think I'll be out of the country for quite a while and I may or may not be able to update then. Hmm, and before I leave I don't think I'll be updating my own fics a lot either, because I'll be writing with my friend on a different name.

Ohh, and any suggestions/critiques would be highly appreciated XD.


End file.
